


The Purity of the Turf

by salamandelbrot



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Timeline - Slightly, Karkat Tantrum Bingo, Match Fixing, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-29
Updated: 2013-03-29
Packaged: 2017-12-06 20:11:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/739644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/salamandelbrot/pseuds/salamandelbrot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Terezi investigates a scandal that could rock Can Town to its very foundations.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Purity of the Turf

Your name is TEREZI PYROPE and you are about to bust this BINGO FIXING SCAM wide open. 

TEREZI: W3LL, W3LL, W3LL. WH4T H4V3 W3 H3R3? 

ROSE: Gamzee and I are enjoying a cordial cup of tea. You are welcome to join, of course. 

GAMZEE: wouldn't want my most loathesome lawsis feeling left out 

GAMZEE: THAT WOULD BE AN AWFUL MOTHERFUCKIN SHAME 

TEREZI: HOW G3N3ROUS. DO YOU KNOW WH4T 3LS3 WOULD CONST1TUT3 4N 4WFUL MOTHERFUCK1N SH4M3, G4MZ33? 

TEREZI: 1T WOULD BE 4N 4WFUL MOTHERFUCK1N SH4M3 1F TH3 GR34T MUN1C1P4L P4SST1M3 OF OUR F41R C1TY W3R3 TO B3 T41NT3D BY UND3RH4ND D34LS. 

ROSE: My, my, that does sound like an awful motherfucking shame indeed. How fortunate we are that there is no evidence to suggest the existence of any such underhanded deals. 

TEREZI: FORTUN4T3? TH4T R3M1NDS M3! 1 W4NT3D TO 4SK YOU SOM3TH1NG. 

ROSE: Yes? 

TEREZI: 1 H4V3 B33N K33P1NG 4 L1TTL3 T4LLY OF MY OWN 4ND 1 W4NT3D YOUR OP1N1ON, 4S 4 L1GHT PL4Y3R, ON SOM3 3XT4ORD1N4RY STROK3S OF LUCK. 

TEREZI: TH1S 1S 4 P13 CH4RT OF K4RK4T R4NTS. R4NTS D1R3CT3D 4T YOU 4ND D4V3 4R3 1ND1C4T3D BY THE COTTON C4NDY 4ND CH3RRY R3G1ONS, R3SP3CT1V3LY. 

TEREZI: TH3 L1QUOR1C3 POLK4 D0TS 1ND1C4T3 R4NTS 1NT3RRUTPT3D V14 SHOOSH-P4PP1NG. 

  


TEREZI: DO YOU NOT1C3 4NYTH1NG SUGG3ST1V3 4BOUT TH3 D1STR1BUTION OF POLK4 DOTS, ROS3? P3RH4PS SOM3TH1NG TH4T M1GHT 1NFLU3NC3 TH3 OUTCOM3 OF K4RK4T T4NTRUM B1NGO? 

ROSE: Well, you know what they say about correlation and causation. 

TEREZI: NO. BUT 1 DO KNOW WH4T TH3Y S4Y 4BOUT F1X1NG B1NGO G4M3S 4ND GO1NG TO FUCK1NG J41L. 

GAMZEE: whoa, do we even up and have a jail? 

TEREZI: SHUT YOUR CLOWN F4C3, M4K4R4, 1 W1LL G3T TO YOU. 

GAMZEE: HONK 

TEREZI: ROS3, S33R TO S33R, 1F YOUR3 GO1NG TO P3RSU3 4 L1F3 OF CR1M3, YOU N33D TO T4K3 4 GOOD, H4RD WH1FF 4T YOUR H1R1NG PR4CT1C3S. B4C4US3 TH3Y ST1NK. 

ROSE: Oh? 

TEREZI: YOU H4V3 CHOS3N, 4S YOUR R1GHT H4ND TROLL, TH3 ON3 P3RSON ON TH1S M3T3OR WHO 1S H4T3 D4T1NG 4N 3XTR3M3LY BOR3D M3MB3R OF TH3 C4N TOWN L4W 3NFORC3M3NT COMMUN1TY. 

TEREZI: 4ND YOU. 

GAMZEE: motherfuckin me? 

TEREZI: DONT TH1NK 1 D1DNT NOT1C3 TH4T TH3 LOC4T1ONS OF YOUR SPUR1OUS SHOOSH P4PP1NGS FORM3D 4 G3OM3TR1C4LLY P3RF3CT SP4D3. 

TEREZI: GOOD JOB, W3 4R3 NOW OFF1C14LLY TH4T ON3 P1TCH COUPL3 WHO 4R3 R34LLY 4WKW4RD 4ND GROSS TO B3 4ROUND B3C4US3 OF TH31R CONST4NT PUBL1C D1SPL4YS OF 4NT4GON1SM. 

TEREZI: 3V3N 1 TH1NK B31NG 4R0UND US 1S GROSS. 

TEREZI: ON3 D4Y 1 W1LL PUK3 UP MY OWN SPL33N 4ND TH3N YOU W1LL B3 SORRY. 

GAMZEE: worst enemy, if you puke up your own spleen I WILL ALL UP AND LAUGH OUT MINE 

TEREZI: BLUH, M4TCH1NG M41M1NGS. WHO 3V3N DO3S TH4T? ONLY S4PPY CLOWN D1S4ST3RS DO THAT. 1 4M SO OUT. YOU TWO 3NJOY YOUR T34. 

TEREZI: 4ND STOP FUCK1NG F1X1NG B1NGO! 

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this kink meme prompt requesting some Karkat Tantrum Bingo:  
> http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/39135.html?thread=43182815#cmt43182815
> 
> Credit (+ undying gratitude) to the heroes who contributed to the public Homestuck Skin.
> 
> Title from an episode of the Granada Jeeves and Wooster TV adaptation. 
> 
> And speaking of literary references, Gamzee has apparently been having Story Time With Rose in this universe. Depending on who you ask, Story Time With Rose may feature literature even more romantic than Story Time With Karkat's usual fare. It's hard to compete with Death and the Compass.


End file.
